


Tied by the red thread of fate (SCCC 02/20)

by stella binaria (curseofpandora)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Ashtin said yolo and here we are, But it's there, English is only my second language, Felix may or may not be an oblivious potato, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I am including Woojin in this, I blame it on my mothertongue for allowing me to go crazy with sentence structure and word chains :D, I may change/add/remove tags when the necessity arises, It's happening, Jisung is going through it, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Multi, Other, Seungchan, You heard me, all of that being said, also the foreshadowing, and now thanks for coming to my TEDtalk, any typos you may find are a special gift from me to you, as it is a sensitive topic for many, but all of them remained close friends with each other, but since most of it will be set at a later time in their lives, but this was meant to be short, but we shall see about that too, emphasis on meant, expect silly humour and references here and there, he has ample reason to, hopefully not too much overall, hyunin, in this house we believe in fate, it may get sappy, it's an emotional mess written by an emotional mess, it's getting a bit spicier, jilix, just for clarity, keep that in mind :3, kudos for that go 80 percent to Jisung, likely nothing worse than that, minbin, minbinlix, only very mild spice so far, please bear with me, rating may also change if needed, red and blue - Freeform, so please heed the warnings, so whenever there's something weird, some drama, supportive boys being there for each other, tags for relationships with & are friendly, tags for relationships with / are romantic, the POV switches occasionally, the angst is coming, the author is at it again with her colour symbolism, the author is eating her words on mild cursing and innuendos being the only thing to worry about, the author is especially fond of that apparently, the author is rusty, there might be some mild cursing and innuendos, they're all appearing in some way or another, they're supportive babies, time for more cursing, tw// mild self-harm, we shall see about that, we'll say the group split ways with him musically, we're getting ourselves a bit of poly in here, while trolling each other, ye who enter this story be warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22724296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curseofpandora/pseuds/stella%20binaria
Summary: Some truths are just easier to accept than others. For Lee Felix, one of the latter was the fact that he had actually been serious when he had said “Let me double knot your shoes because I don’t want you falling for anyone else” to one of his group mates.But let’s start at the beginning.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan & Han Jisung | Han & Seo Changbin, Bang Chan & Kim Woojin, Bang Chan & Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Kim Seungmin, Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Han Jisung & Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han & Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han & Stray Kids Ensemble, Han Jisung | Han & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix & Seo Changbin, Lee Felix & Stray Kids Ensemble, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 57





	1. C01: When the realisation hits, it's time to freak out

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello, this is my entry for the Stay Collab Club Challenge of February 2020.  
> My prompt was: "let me tie your shoes because I don't want you falling for anyone else"
> 
> I'm pretty late and it's not yet finished, but I really hope some of you might like it. ;^;
> 
> (There's a long thank you section in the ending notes, so please read that, too. <3)

Some truths are just easier to accept than others. For Lee Felix, one of the latter was the fact that he had actually been serious when he had said “Let me double knot your shoes because I don’t want you falling for anyone else” to one of his group mates.  
But let’s start at the beginning.  
  
Felix hadn’t questioned certain facts about himself in years. At this point, he knew he didn’t really care about the gender of the people he was attracted to. He was someone who showed his affection in mostly physical ways, so hugging and cuddling with the people he loved was a given. And most of his members had accepted that he was one clingy baby at times. 

That being said, he had always tried not to develop feelings that went beyond friendship or brotherhood with any of them. Professionalism and all that. But he had eyes and there was no denying that all of them were gorgeous guys.  
  
But some of them just made him feel more comfortable and safer than the others. He wasn’t sure at which point it had been, but one day he realised that he loved and needed that feeling a lot. And a few of them were giving it to him much more regularly, so it was only natural that he gravitated more towards them.

~♍~

Han Jisung, always a bit on the chaotic side and jokingly dragged by his members for being a mess from time to time, was, in fact, not as much of a mess as they would claim he was. He just had a lot on his mind at all times, making him appear like a baby deer that was trying to take its first steps when he didn’t pay close attention to his surroundings more often than he would like to admit.

What couldn’t be denied, however, was that Jisung cared very deeply for all of the members and contrary to the facade he liked to put on, he was soft and easily affected by their moods.

The others had learnt to watch out for him instinctively by now, but there were times when even their instincts couldn’t prevent the worst. Or best, depending on how you look at it.  
  


~♍~

It just so happened that Jisung had taken a special liking to his almost birthday twin Felix. Not right from the start, mind you. He had seen him as a threat initially, someone who had been blessed with the fortes he so wished he had. Felix had a voice so deep that it clashed completely with his faerie like visuals and a natural ability to express himself through dance with seemingly little effort.  
  
Jisung saw him as a rival for quite some time, until he became aware of Felix’ insecurities and the fact that the younger probably felt like a fish out of water, what with him having lived in Australia since birth and only having moved to Korea shortly before he became a trainee with the rest of the group. A fact that was only made worse because he didn’t speak the language fluently at first and had to work even harder to catch up with everyone else because of that.

Jisung felt horrible about his initial aversion towards the Australian, even more so since he was one of the few members who spoke English and were, therefore, able to help Felix learn Korean more quickly.  
  
So he began to open up more towards Felix, to try and ease his worries and help him improve whatever aspect their teachers had claimed needed work.

Just seeing Felix’ smile at the end of the day made it all worth it. Or so Jisung tried to make himself believe for the longest time.

He would have had to be blind to miss how much all the other members were slowly pulled into Felix’ ban, too, though. 

The one who stood out most probably being Changbin, because he made no excuses about how much he adored and liked to dote on the younger. But it didn’t end there, of course.  
  
Felix was clingy with everyone. Some more than others. But when the mood struck him, he’d be clinging to the person closest to him like a koala to a tree.  
And Jisung wasn’t exactly sure when and why, but he found himself to be that person less and less. 

He was forced to watch from the sidelines, smiling because he was happy that the younger was so loved, but a part of him was also bubbling with jealousy. He wasn’t even entirely sure who that jealousy was directed at. Partially at the others for paying that kind of attention to Felix and partially at Felix himself for accepting it so easily and not being particularly selective about the people he accepted it from, or so Jisung guessed.  
  
For some reason, the members were also a lot more reluctant to show Jisung the same kind of affection, despite him being very vocal about wanting hugs and kisses, too. And so things came full circle when Felix turned out to be the one who mostly showed him that kind of affection, albeit more rarely than Jisung would have liked.  
  
He couldn’t be angry for long at the one person who made him feel safe and appreciated at all times, despite him making corny jokes and not always being at his best self, though, could he?

So Jisung tried to accept things as they were to his best abilities.  
  
He worked on being more considerate of the other members, gradually warming up to Hyunjin, too. In hindsight, Jisung really had to admit to himself that he had a habit of disliking the people he’d eventually grow closest to at first.  
  
Whether that made the ties they formed even stronger, he wasn’t quite so sure yet. But he was willing to take the chances.  
  
So one beautiful evening, he had dared to venture to the company building to watch Hyunjin practise his dancing. Usually, the older preferred to practise alone, but Jisung had texted him in advance to ask if it was okay and Hyunjin, sensing that there was more to it than this simple request, had said yes.  
  
So Jisung was well on his way, stopping by the café to grab some iced Americano for the two of them when he saw Changbin and Felix walking in at the edge of his vision. As usual, they were laughing about something, Felix’ voice impossible to ignore because Jisung's ears were just so used to filtering it out from even the noisiest soundscape. Felix was clinging to Changbin’s arm, the arguably sunniest smile on his face and their hyung certainly wasn’t looking exactly gloomy either. 

To anyone but Jisung, it must have been a heartwarming sight. But he couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy taint the lovely picture they made for him. He wasn’t a complete arse, though, so he merely moved farther away from the counter, trying to pretend he hadn’t noticed them instead of downright glaring at them or worse.  
  
His hopes of going unnoticed were destroyed by Changbin’s somewhat surprised “Hannie?” and Felix’ cheerful “Jiii~♡” that made him turn his head towards them, though.  
  
“Oh hey, you guys! Didn’t see you coming in.” he smiled, feeling how forced it must have looked, but they didn’t seem to mind it enough to actually point it out.  
  
“What are you up to, man? Planning to pull an all-nighter?” Changbin remarked with a nod in the direction of the two cups of Americano Jisung had just been handed.

“Nah, one’s for Hyunjin. I’m watching him practise tonight, so I gotta go. You know how he gets when he doesn't get his Americano on time… Catch ya later, bros!"

And with that he was gone, leaving the other two looking at each other in varying states of confusion and irritation.

"What exactly was that, hyung?"

But Changbin just shrugged and went up to the counter. "We can ask him later, Lix. Let's get our drinks~"

  
  
~♍~

  
_**Red is what I feel when I see you with someone else** _

~♍~


	2. C02: Hello, this is your local troubleshooting hotline speaking

Jisung arrived only a couple minutes later at the studio Hyunjin had booked, having speed-walked there as if the devil were right on his heels.  
  
His sudden knock on the door actually startled Hyunjin and he was about to give Jisung an earful as he walked in, but seeing how frantic the younger appeared made him worry instead.  
  
“Ji? Bro, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t want you to wait for your Americano too long. Here.” He almost shoved the cup into Hyunjin’s arms, only then realising how much his hands were shaking.

“Fuck-”  
  
“Yeah, no. That doesn’t look like nothing’s wrong, Han Jisung. Who sent you into frightened deer mode? Who do I have to beat up for you?”  
  
Hyunjin was only half-joking when he said it, growing more worried with every second that Jisung remained silent. “Did you see a g-ghost?”

At that, Jisung looked at him and narrowed his eyes for a second. “If only.” A deep sigh followed and Hyunjin put his cup aside and closed in on Jisung, reaching out to massage his neck gently. “Tell me whenever you’re ready, okay? Doesn’t have to be right now, but you don’t have to deal with this on your own, Ji.”  
  
“Thank you. Really.”  
  
“Not for that… Anyway, care to see some moves? I found this song the other day and just can’t quite figure out how to translate it into motion.”  
  
“Sure. No idea how much I’ll be able to help, but anything to take my mind off of things.”  
  
They spent the next hour in mostly silence, Jisung trying his best to keep his attention on Hyunjin and helping him with the occasional remark instead of thinking about whatever the hell Changbin and Felix were up to. 

But Hyunjin didn’t miss that Jisung’s mind wasn’t entirely there with him, so he stopped dancing and walked over to drop down next to him, his right arm casually wrapping around Jisung’s shoulders.  
  
The latter didn’t even realise what had happened at first, but he snapped out of his thoughts when Hyunjin squeezed his shoulder gently. 

“I know what I said earlier, Ji, but this seems to be affecting you quite a lot, so-”  
  
“You’re right, man. I’m just afraid that it will freak you out and I don’t want that to happen.”

“Try me, pabo. You clearly need someone to listen to you and help you figure things out…”

Jisung glared at him for a second at the ‘pabo’ but gave up with a sigh. “Have you ever felt anything more than friendship for any of the members?”

“You seem to be forgetting that we were mortal enemies not too long ago, Han Jisung.”  
  
“I was a fool to think you would take this seriously…”  
  
“Bro, I’m just trying to lighten the mood a little.” Hyunjin admitted with a sunshine smile before he went on in a much more sober tone, “I’m honestly not entirely sure, though. Haven’t really thought about it that much, I guess? I mean, my masculinity isn’t fragile enough to deny that under different conditions, I’d probably be attracted to all of you to some degree? Chan hyung really wasn’t taking any chances when he selected us, even when we were still raw and unpolished diamonds at that time.” Hyunjin smiled to himself for a moment and went on, “But I’ve also experienced us all in varying states of absolute foolishness and I’m not sure whether I would want to spend the rest of my life with any of you guys in the way you’re suggesting.”  
  
Jisung remained silent, just nodding his acknowledgement.  
  
“Uhm… so I take it that you do feel this way about someone in the group?”  
  
“No shit, what gave me away?” Jisung’s tone was dry and bitter, the sarcasm hitting Hyunjin right in the face. But he knew he had to get through this wall of bitterness Jisung was raising around himself in order to help him.  
  
“Look, bro, I’m really trying to help you here and your sarcasm is not the way to go, okay? So let’s start with baby steps. How deep are your feelings for him? More like a crush that will fade soon or are you absolutely smitten and in love?”  
  
Jisung just laughed humorlessly for a moment. “Fuck man, I have no idea. I just know it hurts to see him with others and I hate to be so jealous because I know he’s just a big ball of sunshine and love and needs affection to thrive. But he doesn’t seek it from me that much and that also hurts and makes me hate myself for wanting to keep him to myself despite having absolutely no right to.”  
  
“You really jumped into the deep end of the pool there, man…”  
  
“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Have you tried talking to him about it yet?”

Jisung shook his head no. He had thought about it, of course. But they were a relatively new idol group who weren’t even around long enough to be past the company implemented dating ban. And he may be reckless at times, but he wasn’t ready to risk all of that for something he wasn’t even entirely sure about yet.

Hyunjin mused for a moment before he spoke up again. “Perhaps you should try to get closer to him again? See how you feel, see how he reacts?”  
  
“You know I suck at that, Hyunjin.”  
  
“You suck at subtlety, yeah. But bro, going on like this will only make you more miserable. Please promise me to try, at least.”

“Are you giving me an alternative?”  
  
“No.”

“Great.”

Hyunjin pulled him into a bear hug then. “You got this, Ji.”  
  
“I guess…”

They went silent. Jisung’s mind going straight to the task at hand, bombarding him with what could go wrong, but Hyunjin broke that train of thought with his next question.  
  
“Will you tell me who it is?”

Jisung simply snorted, at this point ready to just give up entirely and not fight it any longer. “Go ahead and guess.”  
  
“Minho hyung?”

“Oh shit, Hyunjin, I said ball of sunshine. Hyung is a sweetheart and we all know that, but is he really someone you’d associate with sunshine immediately? Do better.”  
  
“YAH! I’m telling him that!”  
  
“You’ll kick your own ass, my friend.” Jisung pointed out and Hyunjin went silent because he was right. 

“Seriously, though. Minho hyung is a lot more like the moon to me. Same as Chan hyung. They have that calm and protective vibe, funny and quirky at times, but mostly like a silent guardian watching over us. They’re the hyungs for a reason. Woojin hyung, too. They balance out our chaos so easily.”

“Okay, fine. None of them, then. But who…? Jeongin?”  
  
“DUDE, HE’S OUR BABY!”

“But he’s also a sunshine! And only half a year younger than you?!”

“Still a baby! Fuck, Hyunjin, I am not having a crush on Jeongin, okay?!”

“You’re insufferable… Seungmin then? Changbin hyung? Don’t tell me it’s me?!”  
  
Jisung was ready to flip a table at this point. He turned around dramatically, taking Hyunjin’s face into his hands and looked directly into his eyes.

“I can’t believe you are enough of an idiot to forget the one person who anyone with two eyes would clearly refer to as the sunshine in the group.”

“...You?”

“God give me strength… Hwang Hyunjin, I may love myself, but I would certainly not be mad at myself for paying more attention to others than myself. Are you sure your one brain cell is still doing okay?”

“Stop calling me dumb and tell me!”  
  
“Jesus Christ, it’s Lee Felix Yongbok, you sad excuse of an Aussie boo. How could you forget the love of my life is in our group?! I’m disowning you, I swear.”  
  
Jisung just let go of him then and laid back down on the floor to glare at the ceiling.  
  
“Love of your life? Lix?”  
  
“I’m being dramatic right now, of course, but yeah, him. Graceful faerie, sunshine smile, hair so soft it might as well be a cloud, an entire galaxy on his skin, a voice that can only be called the eighth wonder of the world… Need I go on?”  
  
“I had no idea…”  
  
“Great, now you see what my problem is. We may have been close in the beginning, but lately, he’s hanging out with everyone but me.”  
  
“He’s really close with Changbin hyung these days, isn’t he?”

“You don’t say… Guess who I ran into while I was getting our Americanos.”  
  
It all made sense to Hyunjin as soon as Jisung had admitted the last bit. But Hyunjin was lost for words at that moment and could only throw himself over Jisung like a human blanket. “Oh, Ji…”  
  
“Shit man, it just hurts so much and that sucks... But, uh- Can I try something?”  
  
Hyunjin looked at him thoroughly then. “Try what?”

He noticed Jisung’s blush and how he was unable to hold his gaze out of discomfort.  
  
“Try what, Han Jisung? I hope you’re not about to suggest we make out in order to help you realise it’d only be like kissing your brother and that you’re really head over heels in love with someone who isn't me. I’m not wasting my first kiss on something like that.”  
  
“Your first-? Oh, sorry. I wouldn’t have thought that you of all people didn’t have it yet…”  
  
Hyunjin just squished him gently in response, a mischievous smile flitting across his features before he leaned down and pressed his lips against Jisung’s for a second, eyes open and looking into Jisung’s to see his reaction.

The younger, however, was too shocked to react at all. “...What?”  
  
“I was kidding, pabo. I had it already. So? Are you suddenly realising you’re deeply in love with me?”  
  
“Did you just kiss me?”  
  
“I wouldn’t call it more than a peck, to be honest. But yeah, I did. So? Any love declarations?”  
  
“I hate you, Hyunjin! Get out of my face! The only thing I’ll have to admit is that your lips are really soft but other than that it sucked.”

There’s no denying that Hyunjin found this reaction more amusing than anything else, so he didn’t take it to heart. Jisung seemed far too out of it to actually mean to hurt him with these words. That's why Hyunjin made up his mind.

“Okay listen, Ji. Here’s what you’re going to do now. You’ll take your cute little ass back to the dorm and talk to Lix. Not necessarily about your feelings, okay? I know that’s hard and perhaps it’s better to wait a bit for you to figure them out more clearly. Just, I dunno, ask him how things are going with his MCing for Pops? I’m sure he’d be more than happy to talk about that with someone. Just talk, basically. Or spend time with him.”

Jisung only mused about it for a while, wondering how likely it was that Felix wouldn't be tied up elsewhere already. But then he nodded, albeit very hesitantly.

"It pains me physically to admit this, but you're right. I really should."

"One day you'll thank me for making you do this."

_And years later, they would indeed realise exactly how right Hyunjin was at that moment._

~♍~

_Red is how I feel when I think about you_

  
~♍~


	3. C03: Let’s talk? Yeah, nice try, bro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello, this is honestly more of an interlude than a full chapter, but I still hope you'll enjoy it. Thanks for reading. <3

Once Jisung and Hyunjin had returned to the dorm that night, the latter meant to go straight to Minho’s room, keen on asking him his opinion regarding the dance he’d been working on.  
  
But he didn’t leave before he had given Jisung an encouraging hug. “Don’t worry about it, Hannie, just go talk to him, okay? The rest will happen organically.”  
  
Jisung just huffed humorlessly at that. “Yeah, sure.”  
  
“Come on, bro. You’ve got this. You’re a lyrical genius. What’s a tiny love confession to you, huh?”  
  
“What love confession?” 

Hyunjin and Jisung froze on the spot, not expecting Jeongin to overhear their conversation.

“Innie, hey, Ji and I were just talking about the drama I’ve been watching. What are you up to?” Hyunjin tried to distract the youngest, dramatically swinging his arm around his shoulders.  
  
“If you say so… I’m on my way to bed. Just showered, but Lix hyung is in there now, so you will have to wait a bit.”  
  
“Ah, I see. Well, I’m on my way to Minho hyung anyway, so have a good night, you two~ ♡”  
  
“Night, Jinnie hyung.” 

“Night, bro.”  
  
Once the oldest of the three had squirrelled away, Jeongin turned towards Jisung completely, not saying a word, but his eyes glued to him intently.  
  
Jisung averted his gaze and massaged his right temple for a bit. “No, Innie, I can’t tell you what that was about. Not yet at least. I have to make sense of it first. But I know I can come to you whenever I’m ready.”  
  
“Okay, I won’t pester you. But really, if there’s anything…”  
  
“I know, kiddo. I just need some time.”  
  
Jeongin rolled his eyes at that but closed the distance quickly to pull Jisung into a hug. “Love you, big tiny bro. I’ll be there for you. Always.”  
  
“The disrespect... But thank you, Innie. I really appreciate that. Now off to bed with you. You have school tomorrow.”  
  
“Thanks for reminding me of that, hyung…”  
  
“Love ya too, baby. Sweet dreams~ ♡” Jisung added with a wink and pushed the youngest in the general direction of his room.  
  
And once Jeongin had vanished, he allowed his body to relax for a moment. He hadn’t even realised just how wired he had been the whole time, but his muscles made him painfully aware of that now.  
  
But regardless of how tired he was, there was still the nagging thought that he needed to take at least a first step towards resolving the issue of having a big fat crush on one of his group mates.

And what was he if not determined? So he did what everyone with a goal on his mind would do.  
  
Jisung made a plan. Perhaps not a good plan or one that had great chances for success, but it was a plan nonetheless and it required him to grab his sleeping clothes in order to proceed.

So off he went, into his room, ignoring whoever may or may not have been there, just gathering his stuff and walking back out into the corridor afterwards.  
  
Had he not been so absent-minded, he would have noticed Chan and Woojin having a very heated but hushed conversation on his bed. But he didn’t pay attention, so he missed what was going on.

Once he was in possession of what almost felt like armour in the face of whatever was waiting for him behind that door, Jisung took one deep breath, hesitated for a moment, but finally knocked on the bathroom door twice.  
  
Theirs may be an all guys dorm, but he had manners and being polite enough not to barge in on whatever Felix was currently doing in there seemed like the right thing to do.

And so he waited. A minute had passed and no reply came, so he knocked once more and finally a deep ‘Yeah?’ resounded from inside.  
  
“Hey Lix, it’s Ji. Can I come in?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
Jisung took another deep breath, steeling himself. What for, he was honestly not sure about. But it turned out to be a wise decision because upon opening the door, he spotted Felix by the sink, hair still damp, wearing a sweater that swallowed his frame completely and some sweatpants that had a similar effect. In short, the younger looked incredibly soft and snuggly and Jisung’s heart may have skipped a couple of beats there.  
  
“Hey. What do you want, Ji?”  
  
Felix was looking at him through the mirror, just his usual open and unassuming gaze, no hint of the irritation from earlier in the evening. Jisung had never been more grateful for that.

“I, uh- I just wanted to ask if you mind me taking a quick shower? I know you’re not finished in here yet, but I’m kinda exhausted, so I wanted to ask anyway.”  
  
“Yeah, sure. Just go ahead.”  
  
“Thanks, man. Don’t mind me, yeah?”

“It’s fine, I’m not meditating or anything, Hannie.”  
  
They went silent again afterwards. Felix back to focusing on his nightly routine, Jisung attempting to undress and hop into the shower as quickly and inconspicuously as possible.

~♍~

Felix was used to sharing the bathroom with the other members from time to time, but that night, something felt different. 

He tried to ignore that feeling for as long as possible, but when it became impossible to tune it out, he threw a glance in Jisung’s direction through the mirror and realised that the older was looking at him in a thoughtful way.  
  
Felix didn’t look away for minutes, but Jisung only kept on standing there, the water spraying on his neck and back.

“Oi, Ji. Something on your mind?” 

“What- Oh, sorry, I-” He snapped out of the trance and scratched his neck self-consciously, leaving Felix smiling the tiniest smile. “I got distracted, I guess. Never noticed how beautiful of a sight it is when you do whatever it is that you’re doing there…”  
  
As much as the idea amused Felix, he would never get used to Jisung’s honesty when it came to complimenting someone, especially when it concerned himself. “I’m just applying toner right now, though? You make it sound like I’m working some kind of magic over here…”  
  
“Yeah well, not my fault when everything you do somehow has that effect?”  
  
“Jisung, what-?”  
  
“Naaah, just forget what I said. I’m a bit out of it tonight. Sorry.” With that, he turned around to face the spray of the shower again, leaving Felix to his muddled thoughts.

He may have gotten a little lost in thought following the movement of Jisung’s back muscles, but eventually, he slapped his face a couple of times and went back to what was left of his routine.

Not long after, Jisung turned off the water and made a beeline over to his towel to wrap himself up and vacate the premises as quickly as possible.  
  
“Don’t stay up too long, Lix. Goodnight!”

And with that, he was gone again, leaving behind an even more confused Felix who told himself to talk to the older about whatever was going on in the morning.

  
  


~♍~

_Blue is how it feels when you won’t talk to me_

  
~♍~


	4. C04: And suddenly, it all comes undone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS:  
> I'm saying it here again because some may not read the tags fully.  
> This chapter contains a very limited POV of the whole Woojin ordeal.  
> Now, none of us truly know what happened, so this is merely a wild guess of mine on what could have gone down back then.  
> I still support all of them, so please know that I'm not writing this to pick sides or put the blame on anyone.  
> I guess it's partly an attempt at healing my own wounds in the process of writing this...
> 
> But it's bound to be triggering for some and I'm truly sorry for making you relive that moment.  
> It just needs to be touched upon for the story to progress, so here we are.  
> That being said, the focus in this chap is mostly on that part of their story, so you should be good to skip it and continue on with the next one.  
> Take care, everyone. <3

* * *

Needless to say that it only remained a plan. Before Felix even had a chance to say good morning to Jisung, the older had vanished with Chan and Changbin, probably to put a few finishing touches on one of their many works in progress.

At that point, Felix was still only mildly irritated, so he tried to focus on something else instead.

And so the days went by, their schedules either so busy that there wasn’t much time to talk or they simply had no energy left to spare on anything that wasn’t related to their work.  
  
Idol life had never been as fun as Felix had imagined it when he was younger. But lately, things had gotten even harder. He wasn’t quite sure what it was, but something was off. The atmosphere between the members wasn’t as cordially and fun as it used to be. 

Shortly after Chan’s birthday, Double Knot was released. And in hindsight, Felix felt that he should have heeded the advice in the lyrics, because of the events that came soon after.

One night, Chan asked them to gather in the living room. Everyone was tired and would have preferred to take a shower after long hours of practice, but he insisted, so they complied grudgingly.  
  
Felix had been dealing with a bad feeling that he just couldn’t seem to shake off all day.  
  
Turns out he had every right to when Chan raised his voice a little and everyone went silent to listen.  
  
His voice was uncharacteristically cold and formal, not much left of the gentle leader he usually was. “I really wish there were a way to do this in a less hurtful way for all of us. But there’s something all of you need to know.”  
  
Felix’ eyes widened in fear of what was to come, his gaze wandering across the room, trying to see if any of the other members had any idea what this was about. He saw Minho visibly shrink in on himself and felt the same dread looming just at the back of his mind, but apart from that, the other members all looked just as surprised as him. Everyone except for Woojin who had his gaze lowered, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

Felix had rarely seen him so nervous, but it all made sense as soon as Chan laid eyes on him and asked him to speak.

“Go ahead, Woojin. We’re all ears.” His voice was even colder than before, hinting at an unspeakable pain that he tried to cover with a harsh tone. Felix knew his leader too well than to believe he truly meant to sound so mean, but, although only rarely, he had encountered that side of Chan before and was aware that this meant trouble.  
  
Woojin hesitated for a minute, fiddling around with a loose thread on his jeans before he took a deep breath, looked back up and into Chan’s eyes.

The leader nodded barely noticeably and that was probably the last bit of encouragement Woojin needed to find his words.

“I’m so incredibly sorry, guys. There’s no way this won’t hurt you all, but I’ve been thinking about this long and hard, please believe me.”

Felix hung on his lips, a quick glance around telling him that he was not the only one. 

“I- I know how this must sound to you all. I’ve honestly felt like this for quite some time, though, so please rest assured that this is a decision that I haven’t made quickly.”  
  
“Say it, Woojin. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell them what you told me.”

Chan’s tone had lost some of the bite but none of the coldness at that point and Felix was getting so worried that he needed something, anything to ground him. So he felt around without taking his eyes off of Woojin, eventually finding a warm hand that more than willingly intertwined with his own. The light squeeze helped enough to stop the shaking.

“Don’t make this harder for me than it already is, please Channie.”  
  
“Excuse me? I’m not the one who’s about to break our hearts as if it meant nothing, Kim Woojin.”  
  
“Look, I wouldn’t do this if it weren’t breaking me a little with every further day that it continues, man. I love you guys so fucking much. You’ve become a second family to me and I wouldn’t want to miss you all in my life. But I can’t go on like this.”  
  
“Go on like what, hyung?” Jeongin suddenly asked into the heavy silence that had fallen, demanding to know what everyone else apart from the oldest two had no idea about yet.

“Innie, oh my god. My baby, I’m-” Woojin was visibly struggling, his eyes reddening at a worrisome pace.

“Just say it, please. You owe us as much, hyung.” That was Jisung’s voice, calmer and yet more broken than Felix had ever heard him. He realised that it was his hand he was holding when it started to shake, so Felix tried to calm him down with gentle thumb strokes along the back of his hand.  
  
Woojin was looking at each of them slowly, silent tears running down his cheeks, but he just let them. “You’re right, Ji. I do.” He took another deep breath and continued, voice more stable and filled with conviction, “I decided to leave the group.”  
  
Silence fell. A silence louder than Felix had thought possible. He was able to hear the blood rushing through his veins and squeezed his eyes shut, begging that when he’d open them it would all just be a bad joke, a bad dream that he would wake up from any second now. Right?  
  
“You’re joking, right? Woojin hyung? This is just a joke, isn’t it?” Hyunjin, his voice revealing that he was close to losing it. Felix wanted nothing more than to hear the oldest member burst into laughter and admit that yes, it had just been an elaborate and very bad joke. Or perhaps that he needed some time apart from them.  
  
But not this. Not something so final. 

He was a little shocked by the sound of his own voice when it croaked to life again. Much colder and resolute than he thought he was capable of. “It’s not a joke, though. Right, hyung? Everything you said… You meant that, didn’t you?” You don’t need us anymore and now you’re leaving us behind like a discarded sweater that you’ve grown tired of. 

Felix didn’t say these last words out loud, of course, but he felt them in his heart. Felt the betrayal of his blind trust in the oldest member. Felt his heart shatter a little more recalling the memories they had made together. Every promise they had made in the past. It just hurt like hell and tore him apart.

He didn’t need to hear more. No reasons Woojin could give would explain the pain he was causing all of them. And so Felix got up and walked away.  
  
He didn’t hear Woojin’s distraught call of his name, ignored everyone else who may have attempted to stop him and just walked right out of their front door and down to a little park nearby.  
  
And then he just sat there and allowed himself to feel everything he needed to feel. He ignored the tears that began to fall, bit his lips until the skin broke and his mouth filled with the faint taste of iron.  
  
When that didn’t suffice to suppress the urge to scream, he sank his teeth into his underarm, bit down hard enough to leave a bruise and curled in on himself. He just wanted not to feel anything at that moment, to not be because that would stop the pain.  
  
“Oh god, there you are, Bokkie. I was worried sick...” Upon seeing in what state Felix actually was, Minho’s voice became a lot more worried in an instant, though. “Oh baby, nooo, please let me see that.”

He reached out for Felix’ hurt arm but stopped short of actually making contact. 

“It’s nothing, hyung.”

“Try again, Lee Felix, I can see how deep these indentations are. Please stop hurting yourself. It won’t make a difference, baby.”  
  
“But it will distract me from these thoughts, hyung.”  
  
“Trust me, not long enough to warrant the level of physical pain you’re causing yourself right now... May I sit down?”  
  
Felix only nodded, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes in order to stop the tears from flowing. As soon as his vision had cleared a bit, he looked over at Minho, realising that the older had his arms wide open in a silent invitation to crawl into his lap and into a hug that Felix knew would make him feel better immediately.  
  
“Can I-?”  
  
“Come here, kitten.”

A second later, Felix straddled Minho’s legs, snuggling into him as if his life depended on it. They remained like this for what felt like an eternity but actually wasn’t more than half an hour. 

Minho was relieved to find that Felix’ breathing had evened out significantly, so he tried his best not to move him too much when he attempted to stand up, but the younger woke up anyway, burying his face in Minho’s neck. “I don’t want to go back there yet, hyung…”  
  
“Baby, we have to. Everyone was worried sick when you walked out. I promise you won’t have to deal with any of this tonight, though, okay? We’ll go straight to bed, yeah?”  
  
Felix just nodded, attempting to put his legs down, but Minho wouldn’t have it. “I’ll carry you, Bokkie.”  
  
“Hyuuung, I can walk, really.”  
  
“Fine, but no running away anymore, okay?”  
  
Felix nodded and held out his hand then. “May I hold yours until we get back?”  
  
Minho didn’t need to be asked twice. His fingers slid easily between Felix’ and squeezed his hand reassuringly.  
  
And that was everything Felix needed for the moment.  
  
It took a lot less time for them to get back than Felix had anticipated, but Minho’s warmth grounded him enough to be able to walk back through the door.

Only then did he see how worried everyone, especially Woojin, looked at him as they gathered in the hallway in a hurry to check on them.

“Lix, are you okay?” Chan wanted to know, already taking a step towards him that made Felix shy away.  
  
“Leave him be for tonight, everyone.” Minho intervened, stepping in front of the younger protectively. 

“Lee Minho” Chan almost growled back at him in response.  
  
“I said. Not. Tonight. Christopher.” Minho’s tone had gained a threatening edge to it and even their leader didn’t dare to mess with him when he was like that. 

“Lix and I are going to bed now. Whatever needs to be discussed will be discussed in the morning. I suggest you figure out your position in this situation until then, everyone. Seo Changbin, you’re coming with us.”

And that were the last words that were spoken between all the members that night.  
  
Changbin followed the other two only after he had exchanged a confused glance with Chan and Jisung, but they just shook their heads in a similar fashion.

A few minutes later, Changbin found himself snuggled up to Felix’ back while the latter had curled into Minho’s chest. And so they went to sleep, their world no longer quite as broken as it had been a few hours prior. 

~♍~

_Blue is how I feel when my trust is broken_

~♍~


	5. C05: The pain of letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS 2.0:  
> Once again, because some may not read the tags fully.  
> This chapter also contains a very limited POV of the whole Woojin ordeal.  
> None of us know what happened, so this is merely an attempt of mine to lay out reasons I would have deemed very valid in his situation.  
> I still support all of them, so please know that I'm not writing this to pick sides or put the blame on anyone.  
> I guess I'm helping myself heal the wounds that the events left us with...  
> And I can only hope to achieve a similar effect for anyone who reads this.
> 
> But it's bound to be triggering for some and I'm truly sorry for making you relive that moment.  
> We're almost done with this part of their story, though.  
> Keeping that in mind, there are also more feelings getting involved. At the beginning of the chap, there are a few minor mentions of sexual acts. Nothing explicit, though. (If you want to skip that part, continue reading after the first ~♍~)  
> Take care, everyone. <3

The next morning dawned far too early in Jisung’s opinion. 

Once Minho, Changbin and Felix had disappeared in the room that Felix usually shared with Chan and Woojin, the others had decided to ignore their usual order, so Chan and Woojin moved to Jisung’s and Jeongin’s room, while the rest of the millennium line and Jeongin occupied the remaining beds for the night.

In theory, that should have worked well, except for the fact that they were still pretty shaken by Woojin’s revelation.  
  
Hyunjin had instinctively snuggled up to Jisung instead of sleeping in the other bed and the same applied to Jeongin and Seungmin.  
  
They didn’t speak about what had happened, though. But judging by the continuous movement, neither of them found any sleep until the first rays of sunlight were lighting up the room.  
  
At that point, Jisung had given up on trying and carefully freed himself from Hyunjin’s octopus embrace to allow the older to rest a little more.  
  
He made his way out of their room, wondering if anyone else was already up, but there were no signs of life, so he walked over to his actual room, planning to change into new clothes.

That remained a plan, however, since he was faced with a sight he hadn’t expected to see. Especially not after everything that had happened the night before.

But there they were, Chan on his back and Woojin presumably beneath the blanket, doing something to him that Jisung honestly didn’t want to think about at that point.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me…” 

Jisung said it silently, but Chan heard it anyway and his eyes flew open in shock, unfocused for a moment until his gaze was glued to Jisung and his hand swatting Woojin’s back.

“...Wooj, stop it!”

The oldest took a moment to resurface, first looking at Chan in confusion before the latter closed his eyes in resignation and pointed in Jisung’s direction.  
  
“Oh, Ji-”  
  
“Can either one of you please explain to me why I have to walk in on my group leader and oldest member in such a compromising position? On my fucking bed, no less? Like, normally I wouldn’t mind that at all. But firstly, it is my bed you’re getting freaky on there. And last night? The whole Woojin hyung is leaving the group drama? Make it make sense?”

“Ji, I- Can you give us a moment?” Woojin pleaded with him.

“Five minutes, then I’ll be back and you better explain this to me. And if I find one stain on my sheets, I swear, I will murder you and make it look like an accident.”

He closed the door again and went to the kitchen, making some coffee to be occupied and keep his mind away from that topic.

To be on the safe side, he had waited a few more minutes before he returned to his room, even knocking on the door first.

Upon seeing the oldest two neatly sitting on his bed now, he went over to the window and opened it with a thorough look in their direction. As soon as he had sat down on Jeongin’s bed, he gestured for them to speak.  
  
“How long has this been going on?”

Chan looked at his hands when he replied. “A… year?”  
  
“A year! Fucking great. And you never considered telling any of us that you were together in all that time? So much for being the responsible adults here…”

“Look, Jisung. It wasn’t really relevant to our group activities, so Chan and I didn’t see a need to make it official.” Woojin tried to explain, but he only earned a dirty look from Chan to his right.  
  
“Yeah, apparently it wasn’t necessary to inform me about your feelings regarding your presence in this group either, so-”  
  
“Christopher, we had that conversation already.”  
  
“No listen, you two. Shut the hell up for a second. I don’t care about the beef between you. That’s your business. What I do care about, however, are these six guys out there. And how your sudden announcement has endangered our future and safety, Woojin hyung.”  
  
Jisung’s voice had gotten a lot colder than it had been in the beginning and the older two went silent immediately, similar looks of despair slowly blooming on their faces.

“You’ve seen what it did to Lixie. And let me tell you that none of us in the other room were able to get some rest last night either. Keeping this a secret from us for so long… I love you guys, but right now, I wonder if that goes for the two of you towards us as well.”  
  
“Jisung, fuck, you know that you guys are the reason why I’m still here. Don’t you dare doubt even for a second that I would lay down my life for any of you in a heartbeat!”  
  
Chan and Jisung glared at each other for a while until Jisung felt that he meant these words. But then they both looked at Woojin and found him avoiding their gazes. 

“Wanna hear something funny? Right now, I wish nothing more than to be able to say the same words without my conscious telling me that I’m a fucking liar. But I can’t. And that breaks me.” Woojin admitted guiltily, tears streaming down his face. “I love you all so fucking much and yet I can’t just put your wellbeing above my own.”  
  
“Wooj, I-” Chan started, but Woojin refused to let him wrap his arms around him. “No Chan, I don’t deserve that pity. I don’t deserve any of you…”  
  
“That’s fucking bullshit, hyung. With all due respect, the main thing we’re truly pissed about is that you kept this all to yourself and never talked to us about it. It just hurts that you didn’t involve us in your decision making. None of us. Not even loverboy over there…”  
  
“Han Jisung, your mouth!”  
  
“Bro, you know I’m capable of worse, so shut it.”  
  
“I’ll miss this…” That’s all it took for Jisung to cross the distance between the beds and fling himself into their arms. He didn’t hesitate a second before he pulled them closer and Woojin crushed him in his infamous bear hug more than gladly, even pressing a kiss to his hair.  
  
“You better have cleaned up after you were done. If there’s any cum in my hair, so help me god…”  
  
“Jisung!”  
  
“What? I’m just hoping he made it good for you, hyung!”  
  
The oldest two merely blushed in response and squished Jisung a little more between their bodies so that he stopped talking and basked in their warmth for the time being.

~♍~

An hour or so later, the rest of the dorm slowly seemed to be waking up as well, so they dissolved their cuddle pile and got up to face the rest of the members.  
  
“So, uh… how are we going to handle this? Do I pretend not to know a thing?” Jisung wondered, quickly vanishing between the doors of his wardrobe to get changed. 

Chan and Woojin had still not moved away from the bed, so Woojin squished Jisung’s pillow nervously and sighed. “We’ll have to tell them about us too, I guess.”

“They deserve the whole truth, yeah. But it would probably be best if we told them ourselves?”

“Trust me, I’m not keen on recounting what I walked in on earlier…”

“Jisung, pleeease~”

The youngest just mischievously smiled around the wardrobe door. “Come on, I haven’t slept at all last night because of everything running through my head. Let me have some fun for a moment.”

Woojin just looked at him in an even more heartbroken way before he went over for another hug. “I’m so sorry, Ji.”  
  
“Nah, I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, right? Right…?”

“Of course, we will, Han Jisung. We’re Stray Kids, nothing can stop us.”

At that point, Jisung wished nothing more than for Chan’s words to stand the test of time.  
  


~♍~

  
They had decided to walk out separately to avoid any further misunderstandings. 

Jisung went first, finding a very dishevelled looking Jeongin rummaging around in the kitchen. “Morning, Innie.”  
  
“Oh hey! I had wondered where you had disappeared to earlier…”  
  
“I was just putting on fresh clothes.”  
  
“That took you half an hour?”  
  
“Were you timing me?”  
  
“Nooo, but after Lix hyung’s disappearance last night I felt a bit uneasy about your absence.” Even if Jisung didn’t need any further evidence to realise how worried the youngest had actually been, it all became even more clear when he poured the milk he had meant to put into his coffee directly on the counter instead. “Oh shit!”  
  
“Baby, nooo, I’m okay. As okay as I can be at least. Come here, yeah?” Jisung had squirrelled over as quickly as possible to wrap his arms around the youngest.

Normally, Jeongin wasn’t a huge fan of that level of physical affection, but this time, he even pulled Jisung closer and buried his face in his neck.  
  
They remained like that until Jeongin had calmed down significantly, pushing Jisung away only far enough to look him into the eyes and threaten him jokingly. “I swear to god, if you tell any of them about this, I will haunt you through all your future lives, hyung.”  
  
“I will take your secret to my grave, Innie. Stop threatening me when I’ve just been a caring hyung to you, though. That’s mean.”

The pout that accompanied Jisung’s complaint didn’t fail to make Jeongin a bit softer again, so he squeezed his shoulders a little. “Fine, I’m sorry. I just have a reputation to uphold, okay?”  
  
“Bro, like I would forget that.”

Just at that moment, an overgrown puppy walked into the kitchen with an even bigger overgrown puppy wrapped around him like a koala.

“Oh look, they finally made it here.”  
  
“Come on, Ji, you know that none of us truly got any sleep,” Seungmin complained, making Hyunjin sit down before he walked over, intent on pouring himself and the older member a cup of coffee, too.  
  
“Hannie hyung already made some. You just need cups.”

“Thanks, Innie. Uhm, what’s with the milk there?” Seungmin pointed out as he turned towards them again and noticed the small puddle.  
  
“Innie was just a bit too sleepy to coordinate his movements. I’ll clean that up,” Jisung explained quickly and reached for a dishcloth to wipe it up.

A somewhat heavy silence fell after that, none of them willing to break it, though, possibly out of fear for what the next couple of hours would bring.

So they sipped on their coffees to keep themselves busy, huddled close to each other without even realising it. 

It wasn’t long before Chan and Woojin finally ventured out of the room, though. 

The air was suddenly so loaded with suspense that it almost crackled, four pairs of eyes glued to the oldest two intently without a word being spoken.

It was Woojin who broke the silence eventually. “Hey-”  
  
The youngest members nodded in unison, a barely noticeable movement, but enough for the oldest two to relax a little. “Are the others already up?”  
  
“Haven’t seen them around yet, no,” Seungmin replied, possibly even a little more on the factual side than he normally was, but the whole thing hadn’t left him unfazed either, so who could blame him?

Before Woojin had a chance to say another word, the remaining three did walk out of their room, though. Changbin was first, acting as the vanguard for their little procession while Minho gently supported Felix from behind. The youngest of the three appeared a lot smaller than the entire group had seen him in years and perhaps it was that fact that made everyone realise just how broken the events of the previous night had left them all.

Minho merely glared at them all to make sure they knew that if anyone dared to hurt Felix any more than he had already been hurt, he wouldn’t stop short of actual murder. And that certainly sufficed as a reminder. 

“Living room?” Chan suggested hesitantly.

Once they had all settled down there in a circle of sorts; Minho still hawking around Felix, to no one’s surprise; Chan reached for Woojin’s hand to squeeze it reassuringly.  
It didn’t go unnoticed, of course, but apart from Jisung clearing his throat, no one else truly reacted to it.

“Okay, there is no other way to break it to you guys, so, uhm, before we move back to the news from last night… Woojin and I have, uh, kinda been a thing for a year? It’s not related to the other issue, but it was wrong to keep it from all of you for so long.”  
  
It was Changbin who actually spoke up, but a whole bunch of the members were sighing deeply for a moment or massaging their temples.

“Thank you for your honesty, I guess. But I don’t think I’m alone right now when I say that it’s not much of a surprise?”

“Yeah right. Most of us probably suspected it already? I mean, have you seen the way you look at each other sometimes? Downright disgusting levels of affection there,” Seungmin decided to chime in with a chuckle. 

The mood lightened significantly right then, even Felix couldn’t suppress a tiny smile.  
  
“Okay, great. You guys could have warned me before I had to walk in on them doing unspeakable things on my bed this morning. Real sweet of you all.”

Jisung’s words left the room silent for a second before they erupted in a fit of genuine laughter.

“Seriously, please don’t tell me I’m the only one who had no clue? I really hate you all.”

The laughter only gained in volume and Jisung felt genuinely annoyed by them until a pair of very small hands appeared in his line of vision, soon enough followed by the arms attached to them engulfing him in a hug.  
  
He hadn’t even realised Felix had noticed how upset he was, so to find himself in an embrace he hadn’t expected left Jisung speechless for a second. 

The younger was downright snuggling into him and whatever fight Jisung had left in him vanished immediately.

“Okay, maybe I don’t hate Lixie.”  
  
That remark didn’t fail to make Hyunjin send him a glance full of mischief, so Jisung hastily mouthed back a ‘shut it’ before he was squeezed even more by his almost birthday twin. “If it makes you feel any better, I had no idea either until a few weeks ago when I caught them making out, Ji…”

“They did what?! Ugh. Can our parents not leave us mentally scarred by their PDA 2019 challenge: completely and utterly failed.”

“Oi, we weren’t even doing anything in public, Han Jisung. Your fault if you fail to knock!” Chan was quick to defend himself, while Woojin decided to point out something else. “Besides, when did we ever adopt you all? What a mess…”  
  
“There, that’s it, I’m done with this family.”

“Hyungs, please stop being dramatic. There’s something else we still have to talk about, no?”

Jeongin’s intervention made them all sober up a little more in a matter of seconds and Jisung could feel how anxious Felix was already becoming again, so he wrapped his arms around him immediately, acting as the grounding weight that kept him safe for the moment.

Minho sent him the tiniest nod of acknowledgement before he turned his attention back to the oldest two. “The baby’s right. So let’s talk. You’re really going to leave, hyung? There’s no other option for you?”  
  
Woojin reached for Chan’s hand to entwine their fingers before he replied. “I fear there isn’t, no. Please believe me that I considered every choice there was before I made up my mind, guys. I wouldn’t hurt you all like this if it didn’t mean that I would have to keep hurting myself in the long run.”  
  
Hyunjin nodded at that but couldn’t stop himself from asking something that had been on his mind ever since Woojin had broken the news to them the night before. “Here’s what I’ve been wondering, though, hyung. What exactly is it that pushed you away? Like, is it the reality of idol life? Is it anything we have or haven’t done?”  
  
Woojin mused about his response to that for a while, but eventually, he looked into Hyunjin’s eyes with a heartbroken smile on his lips. “None of this is your fault, Jinnie. Nor is it anyone else’s in this room. This is entirely on me. And no, it wasn’t the reality of idol life per se, even if we’ve probably all taken off our rose-coloured glasses regarding that by now, no?”

He took a deep breath before he continued. “It’s the fact that while I cherish everything we went through together; the way we come together to create our music, support each other and help each other grow as artists and people; I also don’t feel entirely myself. I haven’t felt myself in the last couple of months, to be honest. And believe me, I tried everything I could to overcome this for your sake, guys, but nothing worked. I will always carry this part of my life in my heart, but I can no longer go on like this. I’m truly sorry.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, hyung,” Seungmin replied calmly, appearing a lot more concerned now than he had been before Woojin had told them about his reasons.  
  
There was no arguing with anything he had said. And that fact made it probably even harder for them all to remain mad or hurt about the developments. 

It was Felix who eventually took Woojin’s hand and squeezed it gently, making the group smile at the size difference of their hands and breathe with more ease now that the tension between these two seemed to be fading. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise what you were going through earlier, hyung...”  
  
“Haengbokkie, nooo. I’m the biggest idiot for suffering in silence when there were eight very supportive guys going through the same things as me. And yet, I never dared to confide in any of you. I hope you guys will be able to forgive me one day for this foolishness and the heartbreak I’m causing you all…”  
  
At that point, they were all more or less over the initial shock, so it didn’t take long until they had closed in on Woojin and were attempting to turn the whole thing into a cuddle pile to soothe their collective uneasiness and hug it out.

~♍~

It was around a week later that things had been firmly decided on and plans were being made on how to handle the aftermath of Woojin’s decision. 

Only then did it start to sink in how final the decision really was. How many legal issues everyone would have to deal with. Let alone the rearrangements of future releases, choreographies, their upcoming concerts and goods that had already been in production.  
  
Most of them hadn’t considered everything that would entail his departure but were now made painfully aware of it.

Rest became even more scarce and their nerves lay blank. When they thought back to their trainee days and the survival show, those almost seemed like a walk in the park compared to what they were going through in October.  
  
And as the days were passing, Woojin’s departure date drew closer, too, leaving them all a bit more heartbroken and emotional with every further day.

They did attempt to have a birthday party for Minho before the oldest had to leave their dorm, but that party turned into yet another emotional cuddle pile instead. It was their last chance for it for the foreseeable future, after all, since they had all signed a non-disclosure agreement about the departure and that included no public interactions or collaborations.

And so they had decided to make the most of it and spent the day just huddled up together. Everyone had been glued to Woojin at some point, even those who weren’t normally as keen on skinship, and that alone probably made it even harder for them to finally detach themselves from him for the night. And, as a matter of fact, for all the nights to come in the foreseeable future. 

~♍~

Given the fact that Chan and Woojin were not just group mates but also lovers, the other seven had agreed unanimously to room together for the night, providing the couple with as much privacy as possible and allowing them to say goodbye in whichever way they deemed fit.

So while they retreated to their room, the rest laid out their blankets and bedding on the floor of the biggest bedroom and snuggled up to each other. They kept talking late into the night, but sooner or later, exhaustion got to them all.

Felix and Hyunjin were probably the last that remained awake, lying in the centre of the formation since they were among those who didn’t mind being squished by the others.  
Between them was Jisung, happily curled up the way he usually slept, possibly even more content now that he was surrounded by the people he loved.

“Lix?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Are you really okay with this?” Hyunjin uttered barely loud enough for Felix to hear.  
  
“Do I have a choice, Jinnie? I would love nothing more than to be selfish and make hyung stay, but this isn’t just about me. He deserves to find his happiness. Even if it doesn’t lie with us anymore…”

“I know... But bro, I can see how much this is breaking you.”

“I’m not even trying to deny that. But my heart will heal at some point, Hyunjin. And I still have all of you, no? It’s not like he’s leaving for another planet. He’ll still live here, so we might be able to meet him from time to time.”  
  
Felix felt that Hyunjin wanted to point out the flaw in his logic, but in the end, he gave up with a tiny sigh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”  
  
“I know I’m probably too optimistic right now, Jinnie. But fate has its ways. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here, in the middle of this lovely pile of fools.”  
  
“True… And speaking of fools, uhm- has this one here talked to you already?” Hyunjin nodded in Jisung’s direction as he spoke, not daring to move lest he woke him.

But it was too late for that already. “No, he has not. And he would really appreciate it if you’d shut it and let us all sleep. We’ll need all our energy to get through tomorrow, Hwang Hyunjin.” Jisung grumbled angrily, punching Hyunjin’s arm lightly to drive his point home.

Before things could get any further out of hand, Felix draped his arm and leg over Jisung’s side and snuggled against his back, though, effectively shutting him up.

“Hey, don’t fight, you two. We’ll talk later, yeah, Ji?”

The older merely nodded, not trusting his voice at all at that moment. But Hyunjin was far too amused by Felix’ power over Jisung’s emotions to let it slide, of course. “Whipped?”  
  
“Fuck you, Hyunjin!” Jisung growled through gritted teeth and attempted to kick Hyunjin’s shin, but Felix’ hold on him was too strong, so he gave up with a sigh.

“I said. No. Fighting. Boys.”  
  
“But Lix! He started it!”  
  
“So? You ought to be wiser and not fall for his tricks, Jisungie.”  
  
“Exactly, listen to Lixie, **Ji-sung-ie~** ♡”  
  
“Hyunjin, that applies to you, too!”  
  
“All right, okay! I’ll stop it.”  
  
“Lix basically called you an idiot. You’re even more whipped, bro…”  
  
“If you guys don’t shut up right now, I will whip all your asses.” A new voice pointed out grumpily from behind Felix, and they knew it was better to listen, so they remained silent.  
  
The same couldn’t be said for a certain another guy, however. “Oooh, kinky. Care to tell us more, Changbin-ah?”  
  
Minho’s smirk was almost audible and Changbin was barely awake enough to put up with a minuscule amount of that before he exploded, so Jeongin’s dry remark was the straw that broke the camel’s back. “Fellas? Is it gay that the homies are flirting so shamelessly?”

“Yah! Yang Jeongin!” 

“Oh shut up, Binnie…”

The suspicious smooching and muffled noises of complaint that originated from Felix’ left could have been enough of a hint about the things going on there, but Seungmin insisted on asking. “Lix? Are they, you know… making out?”  
  
“I’m too scared to look, Minnie…”  
  
“I mean, not to be gay or anything, but it **is** kinda hot,” Hyunjin pointed out, pushing himself up on his elbow to get a better view.

At that point, Jisung decided it was time to face the lesser of his evils and flip over to face Felix’ side. 

The latter had, of course, not moved his limbs at all, so Jisung still had Felix’ leg and arm around his frame. But all things considered, he felt safer from any sudden smooch attack than he had before. Hyunjin was never trustworthy when he was in that kind of mood and Jisung knew for a fact that Felix would never attack him like that without prior enquiry.

That didn’t make it any easier to be so up close with his lovely features, however. And for a second, Jisung may have played with the idea of just leaning in a little more to brush his lips against Felix’, but he left it at the thought and settled for counting his freckles instead.

Felix was curiously following the movement of his eyes the entire time, wondering what Jisung was doing, with his lips moving silently.

“What?”

“I’m counting your freckles.”

Felix certainly hadn’t expected that answer, so he felt a faint blush creep up into his cheeks that he surely hoped Jisung wouldn’t notice.

“Are you blushing?”  
  
“No? Why would I blush because of that? Pft.”

“I’m just trying to fall asleep, Lixie. But why count sheep when there’s an entire night sky on your face?” Jisung tried to argue his way out of this and Felix had to give him that.

“Points were made…” he admitted, throwing a quick, wary glance over his shoulder, “ Well, have fun counting. I’ll attempt to tune out these two behind me now. Night night.”

And with that, he snuggled closer into Jisung, if that was even possible. 

The latter just went still until he felt Felix relax and was certain he wouldn’t wake up anytime soon. Only then did he feel safe enough to breathe deeply again. And maybe, just maybe, Jisung had felt the need to brush a stray lock of hair out of Felix’ face and acted on it without hesitation. But that would remain a secret between him and the universe.

That night, Jisung closed his eyes feeling as tranquil as he hadn’t felt in years.  
  


~♍~

  
_Blue is how I feel when I’m lying in your arms_

  
~♍~

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to dedicate this one to a few people (and yes, all twt accounts 'cause I have no idea if all of them are on here in some capacity or not)
> 
> First of all @fishyfrog, mother of tigers, protector of my ocean heart, holder of my hand, guardian of my last brain cell, probably closest to being my soulmate out of everyone I ever met in life. Thank you for everything, I love you. <3
> 
> And now all the sweet people in the Stay fandom who helped me spark my passion for writing anew. I wouldn't be posting this without having been blessed by your stories prior, so a huge thank you to all of you.
> 
> @lovelyjjix: Ashtin, you have no idea how deeply I fell in love with your writing. You're a special one. <3
> 
> @felixcentric: Rei, another behemoth in the AU world. An inspiration, someone I'll always look up to. <3
> 
> @waterlixies: Kenzie, one of the sweetest people I could encounter on this quest of finding a new home in this fandom. ;__; <3
> 
> @hyucksgem: Carmy, sweetest angel baby, I'll never get tired of showering you with love. <3
> 
> @writejilix: C (?) I have yet to find out a name to add to the lovely person I've been getting to know through the numerous cc messages we've exchanged. But I couldn't be more grateful to have made your acquaintance. <3
> 
> @mazeofminnie: Joo, not gonna lie, your AUs have been some of the most fun ones to read for me so far. I'm so glad fate made me stumble upon them. <3
> 
> @ChrispyJesus: Joah, another one who never fails to entertain me through their AUs. My gratitude is all yours. <3
> 
> @halfmoonjisung: Elle, some of your AUs have been among the first ones I read in this fandom. They'll hold a special place in my heart forever. <3
> 
> There are so many more who have my gratitude on top of those I mentioned here. So please, just know that your hard work and dedication is never in vain. Thank you. <3


End file.
